hey

i_love_radiohed @ 2008-05-11T04:16:00

2008-05-11T09:21:00Z

if only naked could mean something. if only it could mean something we could all be naked and nothing could mean anything. we could all be naked and nothing could mean anything. you can mean anything if you are naked. lets be naked together. beautiful. nothing means anything but anything. beautiful.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-11-22T00:33:00

2006-11-22T05:33:36Z

Be the love you seek.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-09-20T16:49:00

2006-09-20T21:50:43Z

fucked. lets pretend we're in canada

mexico

2006-05-14T23:31:19Z

I’m thinking that I will live in Juarez for a while…wouldn’t be such a bad deal considering it’s a boarder town and all. A dangerous boarder town at that, but isn’t that what makes it all the more attractive? I’d like to find a piece of shit apartment, maybe 50 bucks a month, and live there for a while. Maybe even write a book about it. Yay. “How I was a stupid tourist and got kidnapped for it”. Haha…that’s it I’m doing it.

really. anyone else interested? cheap beer, marijuana, and hospitality. hmm? sleep on it. i'm thinking i'd like to be there with someone though. any takers?

coldrain

2006-05-14T09:18:01Z

Green like the clouds on a day without light. Green like the haze that shrouds darkness calls when the snakes sleep, while rats run free. Purple flags orange in a different light, mice run hither to, hithero run free. Freedom is creativity inspired imagination cold. Stones speak to deaf ears straining to listen, to understand. Deaf like the masses, assumptions kill the essence of love’s true embrace. Gone like wind struck hatred embedded deep within humanities confident strides towards the finish. Proclamations of independence from occupational guilt, societal guilt, guilt bred from birth and buried with death. The end, of the beginning of a new light is not something to follow, but rather embrace for what it is; life.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-05-11T04:51:00

2006-05-11T09:53:53Z

Hearts go cold. Rainbows fling over broken refrigerators sputter like a million nasty insects making love in a fetid pool of shit.

day

2006-05-05T03:03:29Z

Give me five, maybe ten. Grass and leaves and trees and bugs and the such. When things are confused, discarded among the trash, being the life of the bugs and bees, one must wonder…why are we here? Life under rocks, sticks break stones. Bones breaks bones, immortality means forever. Ode to satire for hells sake. Lies make good walls, death by apple. Spoon torn flesh bakes well under midnight sun. Deflation mixed irony speaks to no one. All is lost in the desert of sand, ocean of water…city of people. The most beautiful is not matter as a matter of fact, but rather the ability, tragedy, and inability to think without boundaries. Tell a blind duck that’s water. Elusive as a snipe this three headed monster will lose it all in gamble. Doors close open doors. People undo people. Stakes to land uninhabitable nor understood so hated by the world. Burning bright and eternal, human nature staggers on.

to my best beloved

2006-05-03T06:28:52Z

Drunken romantics…all drunken romantics and a little bit of wine. Wine and a popsicle. Babies crying in back seat…some come and go, others stay till dawn. Some books are meant to be read from left to right, others aren’t meant to be read, but read over. Miracles of life scream down our necks while the patriot saints cry hallelujah. This day is blessed by the blood of snakes and dogs. Some depths are best left alone. The deeper we dive the further we go. The further we go, the closer we come to the sticky end we asked for from the beginning of this straight edge secular life we claim as our own. Curses and roses pestilence grows outward. death is life from the other side and we are staring in to a mirror

burning bibles

2006-04-28T09:56:13Z

i'm sick of it. humans...we think that we are the superior beings. i'm sick of lies, that are true, that are lies. it's all in the contrast...nobody sees it. i'm not going to try to defame christianity...i'm not saying that none of that is true. in fact i've got no idea why i even bothered writing this entry. it's all so pointless. i just watched a semenar on evolution, or how it's incorrect rather. back and forth..back and forth people go, what the fuck are they trying to answer? on one hand i'm seeing the scientists, not able to back things with science. on the other hand, there's this guy trying to be funny...saying that his theory is correct because his black book says so. because his people say so. because other people think so. fuck it all. fuck it all because we are only human...i'm sick of the certainty. speaking of not making ourselves gods (the christian guy talking about mormons), by trying to mold ourselves into perfection we've already taken the first step. ego, and insecurity is what wrote that fucking book. all of them. confusion is what has written this post. i know i know...to believe in something is what makes us human, i'm lost. i'm gone, not here, please dont try to leave a message. the bibles must burn, certainty must burn. a life without belief seems to be quite a damned life indeed. does love count as a belief? haha yea i believe in love...

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-04-27T16:31:00

2006-04-27T21:33:38Z

Well, I’m awake again…staying up for that long, long amount of time has left me wrecked…I’m still pretty used up. I don’t know, it feels like I’ve spent a few days on a planet, but not our planet. Sort of, a planet without the same days as ours. I stayed up for about 3 times the amount of time that I regularly would have, and slept for about twice the amount of time I would have regularly, so…where does that put me? I was alert for all of those hours, nothing was missed. It was one long trip. I’m glad that It’s over now…mission accomplished, I got all of my work done, now I’ve just got to get my grades and everything will be wonderful. While I was asleep I had about 5 different dreams that I could remember…that’s just strange as fuck. It’s stranger because I remember them like they were reality. I’m still not big on writing dreams down…I don’t know what’s accomplished when the literality of them isn’t really what’s important. Their meanings are the feeling that you have after you wake up, literality is for the common person, the person who wants to know about the dream. You yourself know what the dream Is all along, it’s a waste of time trying to explain something that should take forever, but in reality, is supposed to take 5 minutes. Reality sucks. The “real world” sucks. This feeling in my chest is strange, it feels like I’ve got a second heart and the 2 hearts are taking turns beating. I think I’ll add this to one to my whack experience book for future reference. In reality, caffeine is good…studying regardless of the fact that you are wearing yourself down to nothing is good…”success” is good…”success” is the key to happiness. In reality, if you make it through school you’ve made it…and you are going to be happy. I’ve done higher doses of Dramamine that have left me feeling better than after all of this caffeine. Mission accomplished…wooooo…I’ve made it, finally almost partially done! Only a few more essays and cups of coffee…and I’m set for the summer!

I was just thinking, if you look at everything with a bigger meaning behind it, rather than try to pick the logic out of it, you're living one big lie.

Fuck YOU you worthless piece of shit

2006-04-20T09:23:13Z

it all comes down to judgement...do you honestly think that there would be even one conflict if we didnt have some sort of prejudice towards someone or another? hmmm well that would be nice now wouldnt it...what is a judgement? i'm thinking it's cannon fodder for a war called ego...what do you think? it's nuts people. eat it because it's not their problem at all...it's yours. just shut the fuck up before you seriously hurt someone. i'm not as guilty as you are. ...take responsibility for the back talk because god doesnt bullshit. you are only fooling yourselves here and life's too short to be angry all the time. if you want to be angry let it all out right now. think of me as that big fucking ass hole you've always wanted to drop a fat load of shit on...anything. just this once, drop the bomb and get it over with. so what are you waiting for shitforbrains....?

GGGGGGG UUUNIT!!!!! ASA AMALEKA MY BROTHAS!!!!


WIGGGAA!!!	l

:)

.......................................................................

HE BEATS HIS WIFE!!!

Oh yea? Well at least i don't bitch about how YOU should be different!!!

2006-04-17T22:49:48Z

I’ve got to go to class soon, I’ve got to finish my biology assignment soon, I’ve got to get a hold of Millie soon, I’ve go t to get one last conversation out of Rebel soon, all of this needs to be done soon because the seconds wont stop slipping away. I am seeing this part of life coming to a close, it’s funny and not funny because I’ve known it to be like this for years now. Imagine a pie graph, I’m at about 98 percent now, in a few months I’ll be in France. After that who knows. It’s a reality away from reality. Like I’m finally living after 18 years of searching. I know that I’m only 18, but it feels like I’ve been around for years. Isn’t the feeling that you’ve only got now, something that you aren’t supposed to start feeling until you’ve lived out your life? Visits from friends, visits from the past. You’ve only got the present, no drugs will help you out of this squeeze. This is it, this is life, this is the beginning of the end of the line.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-04-16T16:54:00

2006-04-16T21:54:35Z

Brice selano is a duche...who the fuck is he?

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-04-13T03:49:00

2006-04-13T08:49:11Z

here goes nothing...

Insanity is bliss

2006-04-11T06:56:45Z

INSANITY

By: Emilio Ruiz

I’ve gone insane I’ve gone insane
All that I can think of is blood and pain

I wake up in the afternoon, go to bed at dawn
While my brain says what the fuck is going on?

It’s insane, insane-it-y
The pills, are my only san-it-y

But what’s, insanity
When we’re all, insane?

Momma, I’m insane,
Papa….i’m insane

No fixed amount, of lithium
Will put me right again

When you can’t stop laughing
When you don’t know why

When you’re still off laughing
When you’re not even high

It’s cracked, it’s caked
It’s shaked and baked

Scrabbled up with gobledegoop,
This brain of mine, is set on loop

With groggly eyes, and brows so furrowed
It’s upside down, wow welcome to my world

When upside down is right side up,
When you don’t know why, you always throw up

When you’re on solid ground you feel,
Like something isn’t right or real

The ceiling is nothing more than floor side up,
Ponder that, and you will feel, a second in the world, of something real

Reality is nothing more than myth
Play-Doh there, for your entertainment

I know no boundaries, and neither should you,
Here’s what I think you should do

Next time someone tells you, that you are right or wrong
Burst out laughing and sing this song

I’m sure you’ll confuse them, right and dumb
You’ll leave them nice and comfortably numb

They won’t understand at first, you’ll see,
But when they realize, what they can be,

They’ll drop their books and burst into song,
There’s no such thing as right or wrong

There’s only people, we are no one
In this reality of love and sun

So come and trip, welcome to my world
Of questions asked, and “truths” undone

Sing this song, and they may understand
The meaning of meaningless, of grains of sand

Hell is cold, on this warm day,
Come out satan, I want to play

Jesus can come too just to be fair,
But no name calling or pulling of hair

The yen and yang shall rise again,
In these times of peace, and hateful sin

Trip, trip, drip, drip
Goodnight, do run with it.

A Bum Named Rebel

2006-04-04T04:51:15Z

His name is Rebel. I think I’m a fucker…a fucker for waking him up, for asking him if he was in Vietnam…for giving him money to further perpetuate his alcoholism. Well what do you know…not only was he a Vet but he was a P.O.W. First he was like…”dude, why do you want to know? Why would you ask that?” I had really crossed the line of what is humane and inhumane. I didn’t know…I don’t know. But he said it was ok. I was thinking yea right…I’ve crossed the line. Lots of the time, I was just waiting for this guy to whip out his buck knife and gut me. Shit…I deserved it. But I asked my fucking question…I was going to get my answer. He told me about being a prisoner in Vietnam. He told me about a little girl who kept him alive by dropping food, water, and even cigarettes into the pit that they had him in. Looking into his eyes, through all of that hair…what I saw made me want to vomit. I can’t describe death, I can’t describe excruciating pain, I’ve never been thrown into a pit to die, I’ve never seen an angel, I’ve never been addicted to heroine, I haven’t lived on the streets for 21 years, but for the time that I looked into his eyes, I almost died. That stare gave me a feeling of complete hopelessness…and I think that he realized that. From that point on, the conversation got a little bit more upbeat…about as upbeat as anything can get leaving hell. Rebel was a truly interesting character.

His dislike of our government makes plenty of sense. He kept on telling me that he had a million dollars in an ATM behind us. But that he chooses to be homeless because the system is fucked up. Well, Austin, there’s your Nihilist. That’s what I thought he was anyway. But I guess I was way off. He said that he wasn’t a Nihilist as much as he was a
“Realist”. Cool, cool. His philosophy on life is a simple one (he made sure I remembered it too). The first thing he said was that there was no reason to live if you didn’t try to help everyone around you every single day. Knowledge included. Just simply sharing a piece of information with someone. I cant’ honestly say that I understood everything that he was telling me, and I let him know it too. Being a realist and all, Rebel said that he took every single day as they came. He takes days minute by minute and never looks back. We had a laugh about how things show up around his head when he wakes up. Things like money…and sandwiches. People are nice, and he said that he never turns away a donation. At that point I felt like a dick because I had just given him a buck and had woken him up too. But I guess, like he said, I was curious. I mean, shit, what does a “bum” have to say? This guy’s 54 as of yesterday. 21 of those years he hasn’t left campus. I’m thinking he’s a book ready to be written. And, surprise, surprise, someone from the Daily Illini is writing a book about his life. He thought it was funny that I wanted to buy a copy…I was sort of like ok ok. He asked me if I wanted to know anything else about him and I gave him a definite no. I told him that I needed to go write a paper and so we said our goodbyes. As one final word, he quoted something from Freud; “ it’s a fine line between sanity and insanity”. Where the fuck has this guy been all my life? But I guess that philosophies are repeated and people do think alike. Anyway, Espresso I closing in a few minutes so I’d better pack up.

I will never forgive myself for asking him about Vietnam.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-04-02T21:33:00

2006-04-03T02:39:52Z

wow that was one crazy storm. i got all of the good stuff on camera too...atleast i think i did. i wish i had night vision on that thing. we've got no power, at least here, because this big tree in my back yard fell over onto our power line. stealing my nextdoor neighbor's wi-fi because they didnt lose power. bleh. just got back from going around town with my brother in the van. we "went to get batteries". that carwash on university ave. is totally fucked up. torn apart. and there was something going on in downtown champaign. this big piece of siding had fallen onto a beer garden. it was nuts. so yea now i should pronbobly put this away because i've only got some much battery power. more later.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-04-02T05:34:00

2006-04-02T10:42:05Z

what's gone is gone, unless the reactionary force/forces conciede. once you've stepped into the black hole there's no turning back. unless the reactionary force/forces coincide to make peace. hey now, it made sense in my head...just think about it.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-03-31T00:59:00

2006-03-31T07:05:23Z

Waiting for this storm to actually produce some rain so that i can sit back and relax and listen to rain instead of the incessent noise of wind. i think i'm a little more addicted to my computer than i once believed...but that's ok i guess. i've had this thing called greatest journal for the longest time...well for about 3 weeks but i dont know anyone on there. i just updated for the fuck of it. my sn is: cafebum. if you've got an sn that would be wonderful because that would make 2 of us. have a good friday

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-03-30T18:52:00

2006-03-31T01:06:37Z

today was breathtakingly (is that a word?) beautiful. didnt really do much...woke up at 12 went to espresso (actually baught something too) almost right after that and sat outside of there for 2 hours. finally got all of the plans for france planned out. going to try to stretch the trip as far as possible (even if it means eating nothing but bread and cheese for a few months). only thing to do now is get the passport and visa. i must say, i'm actually glad to be half puerto rican because now i wont be american to everyone i see while travelling around and stuff.

my passport picture is kind of funny looking. i wore a black hoodie to the place and didnt take it off for the picture so once again, i'm a gangster for the NRA. nothing else worth writing about, i think i'm going to go out and buy some capri's so that i blend in when i get to paris. i hope goodwill has some that don't have butterflies on them. i'm hoping you all are having a good week, peace and sorry about whatever i did...i didnt mean it to be like that. oh yea, and while i was driving to the orthodontist today, i had the windows open and a fly from outside actually flew into my ear. well, hit it actually. killed the sucker on impact. wow that was some bizarre stuff.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-03-30T00:26:00

2006-03-30T06:26:48Z

Starving artist

Yup...that's where i'm headed.

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-03-30T00:00:00

2006-03-30T06:15:01Z

MMMM the Dandy Warhols are a perfect symbolization of true spring/summer. yessss. all of these long months of insanity and damp coldness finally coming to a close. moving on to just one more month of damp, but perfectly temperate weather. i brought my video camera to english today...i was sneaky about it too. i caught my teacher being himself in action...yea that's right busted. and i also got pictures of the strange Swastika-looking designs on the vents in the lunch room at parkland. yup. garden state is such a sweet movie i love it

i_love_radiohed @ 2006-03-29T03:48:00

2006-03-29T10:03:45Z

i got a paper to write and a dentist's appointment at 8...what ever shall i do?

Basics
Name :Emilio
Date of Birth :October 26 1987
Place of Birth :Champaign Illinois
Place of Residence :Urbana Illinois
Family :parents, nathaniel, alex, christopher
Pets :Fluffy the Girbil

Favorites
Food :Spagetti
Animal :dogs
Color :Black
Number :28
Article of clothing :my jeans and doors shirt
Place to be :espresso royale
Season :spring
Holiday :holloween
This or That
Coffee or Tea :coffee
Pepsi or Coke :Mountain Dew
Chocolate or Vanilla :Vanilla
Night or Day :Night
Books or TV :books
Fiction or Nonfiction :nonfiction
Hoodie or Jacket :Hoodie

About

the opposite sex
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? :no
If yes, what’s his/her name? :
What do you like best about boys/girls? :
What do you like least about boys/girls? :
What’s a turn on? :
What’s a turn off? :
Taller or shorter :
Skinny, built, fat, or in-between :
First boyfriend/girlfriend :
Been kissed? :Yes

In the past month
Cried? :Yes
Kissed someone? :yes
Been swimming? :no
Gone streaking? :yes
Gotten paid? :yes
Gotten sick? :yes
Gotten in a fight? :yes

Last person that…
Hugged you :my mother
Touched you :nathaniel hit me
Spoke to you :My mom
Called you :lloyd
IMed you :I dont know
You fought with : my self
You missed :dunno
You worried about :nathaniel
Hit you :nathaniel
You got mad at :my self
You ignored :dunno
Current
Clothing :Tan cordaroys and my wpgu shirt (from goodwill FYI)
Thoughts :i've never been this unmotivated in my life
Feelings :confused unmotivation
Dislike :spanish and biology
Discomfort :burnt tounge
Music :coldplay
Time :3:57am
Place :My room

Others
Have you ever been out of the country? If yes, where? :canada and mexico
Have you ever been in a fist fight? :yes
Are you happy with life? :happiness is an illusion
Was this a waste of time? :nah just a mode of procrastination

bossanova cha cha slide

2006-03-28T03:34:26Z

Doing drugs doing happiness? Who knows? On the way over here, being parkland, I was thinking about all of these wonderful drugs. So many drugs so much spirituality in it all. So much exploration to be done in this brain of mine. But is it ready? Am I ready, for this journey of such dire importance? I would say no at this current time. My brain is already frying. I don’t think that it needs to be any further fried. I’m afraid that this DXM has greatly limited my vocabulary and my writing ability. It may well all be in my head, but that’s my perception about me, myself, and I. I am frying like an egg. My brain is frying like an egg. I know this I know this. One door closes, another opens. Finding that needle in this haystack is near impossible. I’m still playing at the fact that I’m supposed to be writing, that my brain says write, so I should write. This is all wrong. Where has this chemical imbalance landed my head this time? Where should I be turning my attention to now? Is the musical talent beckoning? Is it the artistic flair crooning? Is the political mind lying? I wish I knew. Wouldn’t it be great if our brains had Google search? When all is said and done, mission accomplished. I’ve stepped into the mind of a stranger.

your mom

2006-03-25T20:44:22Z

Fucked up to the eighth power. I sort of don’t give a shit where this trip goes…just closing my eyes is entertainment for me. I like to jump around with the dolpbins. I like to play with the seals. I love Pink Floyd. Man I was I knew if this shit will wear off soon…because that was even less than what I took. Wow. I’m not going to edo this again…blah blah blah. Ok now really blah. Blah to the second power. Blah blah the stick men are here. They are imprints of the past, plstered to the futures walls and sweingsets. You don’t survive a nuclear attack unless it wants you to live. Those poor people….all gone. To ash! Oh what loonacy. Oh the suspense the suspense…does he die yet??? No. He does not and he is a she!. Damn here it comes galavanting again. Running thorough my fields of filth! But even the most disguisting of gardens can grow quite sonderful shrooms. They just don’t know, understand, realize………what they are all missing out on. Round one fight….bicycle kick!. I’ll have to give this one to tiesto. He’s black…at least in my world. Arch bishop connely how nice to see you again….! A crowd pleaser! I love it! Now you write my English paper for me and I’ll give you a double cheese burger. I’m a man of my word don’t you worry yourself. Vodka is only good if drunk with orange juice. Yep. My house is a block…my life is a block. Black party! Pizza parlor! Grotesque salt shaker? Dead mead dead mead. Dead meat smells like death. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to stop tangoing with death. Because death knows how to tango and I don’t. death is life and life is death. So what does that make us? Dude she’s like seventy and she’s doing arrobics what the fuck? Yuck. Mega death to he who stands on the stool. Megadeath. I tell you! No place for god or oranges or sour cream. You know you’ve got problems when home isn’t quite how you left it. Wouldn’t it suck if your heart exploded? Black dark black dark black dark black
What do you do when your heart is prone to explosion? What do you do when your heart explodes 3000 times in your head? Horror. Pure horror and a long night ahead of us my love. Wow I just forgot what I was going to say. Hmmm. Well yea um most everything is calming down now. I’m going to go take a shot at blablblablbalb